Dilemmas

I've been feeling restless lately. Not an unhappy restless, or one that consumes my every waking thought, but this constant tugging on my heart that comes and goes. It's the feeling that I'm not doing enough to help those around me. Making a difference in someone else's life. I think I've just been feeling so blessed here recently, that I want to pass that along. Make sense?

Okay, then here's my dilemma...Who do I help? Examples that I've encountered in the last 3 weeks.

Dilemma. The homeless guy holding the "Need Money, Need Help" sign, but is texting on his iphone. Do I help that? Dilemma. The lady at our church who seemingly plays victim, constantly asking for help financially and emotionally. She has been misleading and dishonest about what got her in these financial and emotional situations, and she doesn't know that I know she's been dishonest. Do I help her? Delimma. The teenage girl at church who painfully struggles with insecurity. It's in her eyes, her posture, her mannerisms, and voice. My heart literally hurts for her. Do I grab her, hug her, tell her how beautiful she is and the things that are big deals now won't be big deals in 5 years? Or do I let her figure life out and that insecurities actually don't go away with age? They just change? And I don't even know her. Dilemma. My Compassion kid, Junior- 3 years old, who may not get 3 meals a day, may have 2 outfits to choose from, and who goes to school at Compassion, works on his family's farm, AND helps sell the items in the local market (which btw his village has hit hard times). My question here is not do I help him. My question is, is my $48/month making a difference? I know it provides him the opportunity to go to school and for new clothes, but is it enough? Dilemma. The friend who clearly is in an abusive relationship (verbally and borderline physically). How far do I go to help her, when she won't take the step to break it off?

Dilemma. Do I help, or am I enabling??? Because here's the thing. I want to help. NOT ENABLE. The elderly person clearly struggling to take their groceries to the car? That's easy. You help them. These other situations? I'm torn.


I think everybody feels that they want to make a difference. I feel that. I just want to do it, sacrificially. I want it to require something of me. I want to go visit a third world country (preferably Tanzania so I can meet Junior), completely out of my comfort zone, and love on all the kids because I don't know how much of that they are actually getting. I want to help the homeless guy who actually needs it. I remember being a junior at TU, on a business ethics class trip to Chicago, when a few of us came into contact with a homeless guy asking for money. Instead of giving it to him, we invited him to go to dinner with us and we picked up the tab. That meant something. I want to help the young girls that struggle with insecurity by having an influence on them. being an example to them (which unfortunately means that I need to work out some of my own issues).

Where do I start? No idea. I did choose to interact with the teenage girl (because I know her mom). The response? A bawling mother who pulls me aside at church only to tell me how thankful she is that I did that. That her daughter has a different demeanor, stands up straighter, has lost some of the fear she had. So then I went home and bawled my eyes out. Because I didn't realize that my chance encounter with her (outside of church that I had completely forgotten about because it didn't seem like that big of a deal to me), would have that much of an impact. How many opportunities do I let go by because I'm not looking for them?

Please understand that I am not saying this to convict anyone or make myself look better. It's just what's been tugging at me lately.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Some of these, I may or may not have splurged on in recent retail therapy...

Jo Malone candles in Lime Basil and Mandarin

this Lululemon tank...you can run, bodypump, yoga, whatever in this and the girls STAY PUT. Score.

this Luna bracelet to pair with black, white, and pretty much any other color/outfit I may come up with

Zara studded leather blazer...NEED IT. Perfect to wear over a dress, skinnies, or with black pants for work.

Skinny puppy chow. Get recipe here.

T.G.I.F!!

30 before 30...

When I was younger, I imagined myself married with a couple of kids by the time I was 30.  Well, my life hasn't turned out that way, and quite honestly, I don't know how I feel about it. There's days that I'm totally content and happy and others that I'm like ughhhh, why God?? All in all, life's pretty fabulous. I'm so blessed and I plan on doing some amazing stuff this year before I ring in the big 3-0. Today though, I came across this little gem in my most recent issue of Glamour, and considering I am (begrudgingly) in my final year of my 20's, I thought I'd post some of these that are my favs and ones I agree with...and see where I stand.

These are random and not in any kind of order of importance...

• You should have a decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family...check.
• You should have something perfect to wear if the man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour...done. 
• You should have a purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you are not ashamed to be seen carrying...definitely.
• You should have a youth you're content to move beyond...sure.
• You should have a past juicy enough that you are looking forward to retelling it in your old age...eh, maybe. It's not that juicy. This actually kinda makes me feel boring?!
• You should have the realization that you are going to have an old age-and some money set aside to help fund it...duh. Financial advisor, remember?
• You should have one friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry...yes and yes.
• You should have a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...check, check, and check-all tools glamorously stored in a Chanel bag. 
• You should have something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it...not yet, but I think this may be the year to accomplish that?! Chanel, you are MINE.
• You should have the belief that you deserve it...working on this guy.
• You should have a skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few facets of life that don't get better after 30...cetaphil and lancome, run.run.run.bodypump., not a clue...figure these out as I go? Facials monthly? I wish.
• You should have a solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better...career is awesome, skipping over the next one:), not sure what this means...
• You should know how to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...the biggest thing here is how to confront a friend without ruining the friendship. I hope I've got this down. So far, so good. 
• You should know when to try harder, and when to walk away...some things just aren't worth it and some things are, and for me, it's pretty easy to determine that. At least at this point.
• You should know the names of the Secretary of State, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town...yes, yes, and definitely yes.
• You should know how to live alone, even if you don't like to...got this down pat.
• You should know where to go when your soul needs soothing...treadmill, family/friend, or my knees. Usually in reverse order.
• You should know not to apologize for something that isn't your fault...sometimes. 
• You should know who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally...not really interested in making my close friends people I can't trust. 
• And finally, you should know that you can't change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

I feel pretty ready for 30. I can't wait for fun things this year to celebrate my last year in my 20's (a wish list of everything I want to do will be posted later), but I keep hearing life begins at 30. Gosh, I hope so. And I'm determined to be ready for it. I can tell you this though, I don't think I'll be rushing these next 360 days. 

Birthday Squared

Welp, I'm officially in the last year of my 20's. I had such a fun weekend though, that I didn't even think about it. I've always had the blessing of sharing my birthday weekend with my dad (his is on the 19th, and mine is the 20th), and we take a trip every year to the beach to celebrate. This year was a little different because he got to go play golf with TobyMac (apparently they are friends? who knew?!) up at Crooked Stick in Indianapolis. Apparently, that is a VERY.BIG.DEAL. So anyways, he did not join us until late Friday night.

Toby, Jeff, Dad, and Jim

Since Friday was my actual birthday, we still celebrated. Even with dad gone. Breakfast with the gang at Golden Griddle, Mom and I got pedis then all of us layed out on the beach alllll day. It was beautiful out...I wasn't really expecting it to be as warm as it was, so some weird tan lines appeared. Thanks lululemon tank...

Harley-girl loved the beach

especially digging in the sand

Then for dinner, we went to Flying Fish, where I had to throw a dolphin. Yes, you heard me right. A dolphin. Just like you see in fish markets. Except my arm strength is apparently next to nothing, so I granny-style threw it. That thing was heavy...I kid you not. I wish I had a picture of it, because I'm sure it was sight. The food was amazing, and the dessert might be the best thing I've ever put in my mouth. No joke. It was some sort of chocolate, mousse, ice cream concoction. Of course, I had like two bites and the preggers chick next to me hoarded it and finished off the rest. 

Allie & I with Clayton, the dolphin master

Saturday was rainy in the afternoon, so we just chilled all day, then went to Greg Norman's Australian Grille for dinner. Which was incredibly expensive and super overrated. Amazing place, but not worth the billion dollar bill. 

All in all, it was a super fun, relaxing weekend that caused me to realize how amazing my family really is. Not sure why God chose to bless me the way He has, but I'm eternally grateful for it. 

Last but not least, I got rid of the money pit today (also known as the BMW) and "invested" in a gas guzzler.

 Helloooo summer!



P.S. HUUUUGE thanks to Kate Miley for the new design! She's so talented and creative! Love staying in touch with my TU friends on here:)

MOPS

This past Monday, I had the awesome opportunity to speak at MOPS at our church. I felt completely out of place, considering I am not a mom, a wife, or specifically, the mother-of-a-preschooler. And what I was supposed to talk about was morbid. Am I prepared if something should happen to my spouse? Or is my spouse prepared should something happen to me? My job, given that I am a financial adviser, was to tell them what they, as women, should know about their financial state as a household. I was beyond nervous (even though a few of my good friends were in the crowd encouraging me). And pleasantly surprised at the outcome.  They were so warm and welcoming and asked a ton of questions. I always, as a woman who has grown up with a father in the financial industry, am astounded at how many women have zero idea what they have money wise.  It's so sad, but we get so many wives who have lost their spouse, and they had no idea what accounts they held together in joint accounts, retirement plans, life insurance, etc. Most don't even realize that they are dramatically underinsured. $300,000 seems like a lot until you realize how much you have to pay in the event of someone's death. They are so lost and most are not prepared financially for the loss of a family member because they never wanted to discuss it. No one wants to think that losing their spouse or loved one is a possibility, but it is a possible reality.   This group was ready to take the bull by the horns though and it completely warmed my heart to see them willing to address this issue head on. Kudos ladies!

30.20.10

I'm a religious Bodypump follower. I never miss class unless I'm out of town, sick, or injured. Well yesterday, the Group X room at the gym was "under construction"...so they chose to replace my beloved class with 60 minutes of pure hell (also known as 30-20-10...a kind of bootcamp). I did not know that you could do hip thrusts with a flex ball (which sounds mildly inappropriate) and have your butt and hamstrings screaming for the next 24 hours as a result. This class made me yearn for a treadmill...because anything would be better than that torture.

Sooo, along those lines (kind of), I created (for myself) a music playlist where I could run 13.1 miles without repeating a song. I am writing this post for me to reference later, but feel free to get ideas from the songs!

*I always add an extra 20 min of music in case I need to stop during a run...

run.a.halfmarathon.playlist..

Flo Rida. Wild Ones
Adele. Rolling in the Deep
N.E.R.D.  Rockstar
Britney.  I Wanna Go
Chris Brown.  Beautiful People
Good Charlotte.  Keep Your Hands Off My Girl
David Guetta/Nicki Minaj.  Turn Me On
Metallica.  Enter Sandman
Eminem. Cinderella Man
Nicki Minaj.  Super Bass
Hinder.  Up All Night
Britney.  Hold It Against Me
Freemasons.  Rain Down Love
Guns N Roses.  Sweet Child of Mine
Justin Timberlake.  Sexyback
Flo Rida.  Good Feeling
Chris Brown.  Turn Up the Music
Three Six Mafia.  Shake My A
Rihanna.  We Found Love
Kanye.  Stronger
Katy Perry.  Firework
Flo Rida.  Who Dat Girl
Kesha.  Blow
Kelly Clarkson.  What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)
Lady Gaga.  The Edge of Glory
Lil Wayne/Nicki Minaj.  Knockout
Beyonce.  Love On Top
Pitbull/NeYo.  Give Me Everything
Foster the People/P Money.  Pumped Up Kicks Remix
Shinedown.  Diamond Eyes
Theory of a Deadman.  Bad Girlfriend
Three Six Mafia/Tiesto.  Feel It
Usher.  More (remix)
Wiz Khalifa.  Black & Yellow
Jennifer Lopez.  Dance Again
Calvin Harris.  Feel So Close

This playlist is about 2 hours and 20 minutes...just fyi!

The Story of My Life...

I'm scared of writing this particular post.  Like shaking-in-my-boots scared because I'm unsure of putting it out there. It's something that I have visited so many (I can't even put a number to it) times in my life. Ever since I was a junior in high school (not that I needed to lose weight then-I just needed to be more health-conscious). And have failed EVERY TIME.  I started Weight Watchers for the 918392018384059 time yesterday.  This has been a demon in my life for a very long time obviously, and it's time that I conquer it permanently.

You know the popular cycle of success, then slight setback, then bigger setback, then giving up entirely?? That has been my story. I'm an emotional eater, so my cycle has always been a few pounds lost, then something would happen that caused a minor setback, then I always let it escalate to where I didn't care anymore. It's been such a tragic cycle in my life that I could never get control of. All because instead of controlling my own life, I indirectly let others control it.  I fear the thoughts of other people, to the point that I don't even know some of my own thoughts anymore because I worry so much about what others think, or I'm comparing myself to others, usually in a demeaning way to me. This has been pointed out to me by people close to me for quite some time, and it's been something I have been tackling for a couple of weeks now. See, my problem was that I'd be feeling good and confident so I'd lose for a period of time, then I would begin to feel insecure again due to whatever(relationships, stress, etc.)-causing me to gain back what I'd lose, then get to the point that I'd not care about anything anymore and throw in the towel (thus possibly gaining).  There are two problems there when dealing with weight loss...first of all, the word FEELING is in everything I just described. Feelings come and go; discipline and will-power need to be separate from feelings. Those are decisions to persevere regardless of my feelings or emotions.  Good and bad emotions are always going to be around. I'm finally learning to work through them as emotions, not necessarily reality. The second problem is most of those feelings are caused by circumstances that are out of my control. WHY DO WE (especially women) ALLOW CIRCUMSTANCES THAT ARE OUT OF OUR CONTROL, CONTROL US?! Seriously, I struggle so much with this, but can't seem to kick it. Am I alone in my feelings here?!

Anyhoo, back to Weight Watchers. I have a different mindset this time, for the first time ever. It's a good feeling and it seems to be easier now that I'm consciously deciding to not let outside circumstances affect me. My health and weight and self-image, I can control. No one else can do it for me. It's not like I have a daunting task in front of me. I just want to lose 20 pounds. People do this all the time.  My friend Dorothy at www.mile-posts.com has two phrases that I'm using for this journey. First, it's Find Your Strong. Everyone is stronger than they give themselves credit for, including me. I can do this. I can find the strength from within to conquer this, and conquer it for good. Second, its Dream Big. Run Long. I dream of being at my goal weight. The clothes I would wear, feeling confident, and losing this burden that has been such a big burden for too long. The running long is continuing my workouts and pushing myself like never before. I've always been active, since I was the age of 2. That's never been a problem for me.  I've always been athletic. I also realize that I will never be a super skinny person...it's not how I was made, and I'm totally cool with that.  God chose to give me boobs and a butt.  Plus I want to #FindMyStrong. Strong is sexy. Confidence is sexy. I plan to be both in a few months. I run this body.

Whew, this took hours to write and re-write what I wanted to say and I'm still scared about posting it. It's embarrassing to know that others know that I have yo-yo-ed and talked about it for so long and here we go again. But it's okay. Starting over is part of life right? Anyways, time to go journal. Encouragement is appreciated;)

XO,
BG

Currently obsessing over...

these for Sawyer..

these note cards because hand-written notes are NOT a thing of the past..

these for fun..

this to mix with other bangles/watches..

this outside living space..

this whole outfit..

going here in less than a month..

and finally...Master's week.. 

XO,

BG