You know the popular cycle of success, then slight setback, then bigger setback, then giving up entirely?? That has been my story. I'm an emotional eater, so my cycle has always been a few pounds lost, then something would happen that caused a minor setback, then I always let it escalate to where I didn't care anymore. It's been such a tragic cycle in my life that I could never get control of. All because instead of controlling my own life, I indirectly let others control it. I fear the thoughts of other people, to the point that I don't even know some of my own thoughts anymore because I worry so much about what others think, or I'm comparing myself to others, usually in a demeaning way to me. This has been pointed out to me by people close to me for quite some time, and it's been something I have been tackling for a couple of weeks now. See, my problem was that I'd be feeling good and confident so I'd lose for a period of time, then I would begin to feel insecure again due to whatever(relationships, stress, etc.)-causing me to gain back what I'd lose, then get to the point that I'd not care about anything anymore and throw in the towel (thus possibly gaining). There are two problems there when dealing with weight loss...first of all, the word FEELING is in everything I just described. Feelings come and go; discipline and will-power need to be separate from feelings. Those are decisions to persevere regardless of my feelings or emotions. Good and bad emotions are always going to be around. I'm finally learning to work through them as emotions, not necessarily reality. The second problem is most of those feelings are caused by circumstances that are out of my control. WHY DO WE (especially women) ALLOW CIRCUMSTANCES THAT ARE OUT OF OUR CONTROL, CONTROL US?! Seriously, I struggle so much with this, but can't seem to kick it. Am I alone in my feelings here?!
Anyhoo, back to Weight Watchers. I have a different mindset this time, for the first time ever. It's a good feeling and it seems to be easier now that I'm consciously deciding to not let outside circumstances affect me. My health and weight and self-image, I can control. No one else can do it for me. It's not like I have a daunting task in front of me. I just want to lose 20 pounds. People do this all the time. My friend Dorothy at www.mile-posts.com has two phrases that I'm using for this journey. First, it's Find Your Strong. Everyone is stronger than they give themselves credit for, including me. I can do this. I can find the strength from within to conquer this, and conquer it for good. Second, its Dream Big. Run Long. I dream of being at my goal weight. The clothes I would wear, feeling confident, and losing this burden that has been such a big burden for too long. The running long is continuing my workouts and pushing myself like never before. I've always been active, since I was the age of 2. That's never been a problem for me. I've always been athletic. I also realize that I will never be a super skinny person...it's not how I was made, and I'm totally cool with that. God chose to give me boobs and a butt. Plus I want to #FindMyStrong. Strong is sexy. Confidence is sexy. I plan to be both in a few months. I run this body.
Whew, this took hours to write and re-write what I wanted to say and I'm still scared about posting it. It's embarrassing to know that others know that I have yo-yo-ed and talked about it for so long and here we go again. But it's okay. Starting over is part of life right? Anyways, time to go journal. Encouragement is appreciated;)
XO,
BG
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